Monday’s Stink

Monday, November 27, 2006
Be warned this post might contain references/language which are unsuitable for younger readers.

Monday’s Stink or is it Mondays stink. It’s both today. My olfactory senses have been assaulted repeatedly today and I’m not too happy about it.

The morning began as usual. The four a.m. face full of cat ass was not unexpected. I just wish it had shown itself a bit later, say five-ish. Got up, had breakfast, watched the news, read my email, showered…blah blah blah. Then, out the door on time and off to catch the bus (I wanted to test Heather’s theory so I dressed warmly). I made it about two thirds of the way down the sidewalk when one of those mini caterpillar snow-clearning machines with an obviously psychotic human inside turns onto the sidewalk and advances towards me. We both stop. I obviously had the right of way because (1) I’m a pedestrian; (2) I’m cute; and (3) I was closest to the end of the sidewalk. Reminiscent of a noon-time show down from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, we each tried to stare the other one down. Neither of us wanted to budge. That spaghetti western music began playing in the background. Normally I would have just stood there till he moved his giant mechanical butt out of my way (who are we kidding, no I wouldn’t have – I’m too polite) but because I was going to miss my bus (or so I thought), I hopped into the nearest snowbank, walked around him (no thank you from the driver…) and on my “merry” way. Jerk. This was the just the beginning…

I made it to the stop and waited patiently, I was the first one at the stop. Excellent. A couple of people showed up whom I had never seen before, then leather man. We tend to always be waiting at the stop together though we’ve never spoken. Before he had even made it to within 5 feet of me, I could smell him. Cologne. Bad cologne. Lots of bad cologne. Lots of bad cologne that doesn’t suit him. It was enough to choke a camel. Why a camel? I don’t know, first animal that came to mind. It was worse than those women who wear too much perfume and then get in an elevator with you. I’ve never been a fan of cologne on men. Perhaps it’s because I grew up with a father who didn’t go in for those sorts of things. Dad was a military man and in those days, “real men” didn’t wear stinky girly stuff like that. Plus, he was allergic to alcohol which meant he couldn’t wear any even if he wanted to. Dad just smelled like dad. I believe out there somewhere is the perfect scent for everyone but you have to know how to use it (this usually means SPARINGLY!). A former boyfriend wore Polo. Certainly not posh by any means but it didn’t immediately make me think of lemon furniture polish. It was perfect for him. He however was not perfect for me – there is a god. Back in high school, I used to wear a very strong, spicy perfume called “Red”. I loved it but no one else did – it was very strong and didn’t suit me. One thing to remember about scents is that they smell one way in the bottle, another on those little cardboard cards they use in stores to sample, and an entirely different way when they hit your specific skin. Always have someone else you trust give you an honest opinion about the scents you would like to wear, how much is too much, and whether or not the smell would knock over an elephant. In consideration of others, and as a result of a policy in a former work place where we were not allowed to wear perfume, I no longer wear any. I do however use Calgon’s Morning Glory body mist. Sure it’s cheap and the smell from the bottle leaves a bit to be desired. However, it’s light, very subtle and I’ve received more compliments on it and how lovely it smells than for anything else in my life. Except maybe my smile. Or my boobs…. Anyways, my point is – be considerate of others. Just because you can’t smell it, doesn’t mean everyone else can’t.

My bus ended up being late – damn. I could theoretically have won the standoff with the snowplow. This meant, naturally that I missed my connecting bus. Guess Heather’s theory was wrong. I started work this morning, deleting the numerous spam emails from the Bank of Scotland urging me to come and work for them while investing all of my supposed savings. Ha! Won’t they be disappointed. The morning hours flew by. Lunch passed pleasantly. Just before heading back to work, I made a pitstop in the ladies’ room. And now I must protest. While I understand that nature calls when it decides to and we can’t always predict it, I hate it when people go number 2 in a “public” or work washroom. As soon as I walked in, I immediately wished to be back at the bus stop inhaling the toxic fumes of leather man. Note there was no one in the ladies’ room at the time I entered and considering the length of the hallway I have to walk down to reach it, there hadn’t been anyone in there for a few minutes. All I could think of was “what crawled up this person’s butt and died”. It was nasty. Beyond nasty. It was enough to trigger the gag reflex. I pulled my shirt up over my nose and mouth, and hurried into a stall. I had a quick piddle, flushed, washed my hands, and got out of the death chamber as quickly as I could. The only thing worse than having to encounter a smell like that at work, is encountering a smell like that at work and then finding a “present” in one of the stalls. They should make fans or air exchange systems mandatory in all washrooms, provide free air freshner or have some sort of early warning device so that you don’t walk into a toxic waste zone without prior knowledge.

Once again, my point is be considerate of others. Just because you can’t smell it, doesn’t mean everyone else can’t.


Barbara Bruederlin said...

Oh man, your day really did stink didn't it? I generally don't like smalling perfume on anyone - male or female, but some subtle smells I don't mind.

And the toilet thing! Argh! Do you know what's worse? Being in that same situation and then encountering someone entering the washroom as you leave and they think YOU did it!

Stagg said... it really that snowy there already?

Oh dear, thats a long season isn't it?

Sniffy said...

Hell, you've got to go, you've got to go! I always have to poo at work, it's awful, but at least I'm getting paid for it.

I used to work with a number of blokes from Arab nations, they always used to bathe in Calvin Klein's Eternity or Escape - tonnes of it. Not nice.

Snow, blimey.

ems said...

I'd ban all perfumes and aftershaves if I were able to. I hate sitting next to people on the tube or bus who have bathed in the stuff.

Red said...

I have to agree with Barbara: Having someone think you did the stinker when you're just trying to do your business and get the hell out of there as fast as possible is the worst.

I have quite the weakness for perfumes (I have several on my dresser... I'm talking double-digit figures), but I am always very discreet. Perfume should be a delicate cloud, not a frickin' truck hitting you at 100mph! AND I LIKE IT WHEN * GOES, "IS THAT ANGEL YOU'RE WEARING?" (Sorry, I hit the Shift key by mistake!)

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