Help Wanted: Spies Like Us

Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Looking for a career change? Always wanted to protect your country from the forces of evil? Now’s your chance! It seems that the Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS), the Canadian equivalent to the United State’s Central Intelligence Agency is hiring. And they want YOU!

Let’s see if I qualify, shall we?

University Degree? Check

Full Canadian Citizenship? Check – and now have the passport to prove it

Speak at least one official language? Oui!

Computer skills? How else do you think I was able to get this on the inter-webby?

Drug free for one year? Define “drug” and “free”…

Able to perform research, analyze information and can prepare clear/concise reports on matters related to national security? I’ll send them a link to my blog and they can see for themselves!

Possess a strong desire to advise the gov’t on matters of internal and international security? Again, if they need to know what’s going on in the world, they should add me to their favourites.

Trigger-happy folks need not apply. Say what? I don’t get to shoot people and pretend I’m Bond, Jane Bond? Where are all the cool gadgets?

All in all, this article, which appeared in the Edmonton Journal on the weekend, makes working for CSIS sound appealing…to a point. I’m guessing my superiors wouldn’t take to kindly to my blogging habit, though. Wouldn’t want to let slip any government secrets now, would we? Their western Canada office IS located here in Edmonton though. That’s a bonus. Pay’s good, benefits are about the same as what I have currently. Why not?

Why not? Well, there is the year-long interview process. The deep digging into your past, the interviewing family members, former employers, and … oh yes … the lie detector test. The good news about this last one? It’s not a lie if you believe it. However, I feel that my views towards Cuba, Venezuela, and the US might be a big problem. Not to mention my socialist/Marxist leanings. But, on the up side, I’m willing to learn a second language, I’m hilarious, and cute as a button. That’s always a plus right? I’m sure they take that into consideration…

Chances are slim that I’d get interviewed (if I applied), and even slimmer that I’d actually be hired (I have a couple of skeletons in my closet but if I told you about them, I’d have to kill you – just like a REAL spy). According to the Journal article, only 100 people out of “several thousand” who applied last year were hired. Those aren’t great odds. Plus, I’m probably a bit too left of centre (not to mention off my rocker) for their liking.


Barbara Bruederlin said...

I've been told I would make an excellent spy (you know, the person they would least suspect). But I'll bet the hours are lousy.

Wandering Coyote said...

You know what, I'd apply if I were you - just for the hell of it. You have nothing to lose!

As for me, they'd see "psych patient" and move on. Damn.

Red said...

It's not a lie if you believe it.

What a great quote! The very essence of George Costanza is encapsulated in that!

I reckon you should go for it. What's the worst that can happen? You don't get the job, nothing more. Okay, so maybe by then they will have wired your apartment and listened to every conversation you have ever had, and/or discovered every skeleton in your closet... but it's got to be worth a try, no?

Gardenia said...

I just finished a couple of months ago a book about the first U.S. women spys - at the beginning of the formation of the CIA - also encompassing WWII - fascinating. But I really wonder how many would have passed those qualifications if they had been in place then!

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