Definately Not the Opera

Monday, August 18, 2008
There is a reason why I don’t listen to music very often. Actually there are multiple reasons. Let me give you a few examples, shall I?

#1. The Jonas Brothers.
No, that was not a typo and it was supposed to read The Jones Brothers featuring Sir Tom and his male siblings. I don’t know who the Jonas Brothers are and I doubt that I’ve ever heard one of their songs but I find them annoying nonetheless. They’re everywhere and it’s making me sick. I know that there is a market for teeny-bopper, bubble-gum, cute-pre-pubescent-boys-with-guitars but do you have to flash their faces everywhere I turn? Or have their names pop up on every other page in every other magazine and newspaper I choose to read therefore destroying my will to live? Confine it to the Teen Beat, Tiger Beat, and I’d Like to Beat Annoying Teens with a Tiger magazines please.

Thank you.

#2. Mariah Carey
Hearing her name combined with the thought of her screeching voice is enough to make anyone stop listening to music altogether and willingly submit to having a ceti eel inserted into their ear in the hope that it would cause permanent hearing loss rather than eventual insanity and death (which, surprisingly, is also a side effect of Ms. Carey’s voice). However, I’m talking about her recent marriage and the (gulp) apparent resurgence of her “career”. Why do we care that she married a fella a few years younger than her after only knowing him for a short while? Well, we don’t. At least I don’t. However, standing in line at the grocery store, I’m forced to either stare at my the back of the sweaty head of the person in front of me or have a glance at the covers of the trashy magazines lining the conveyor belt. It’s a tough decision. Apparently I made the wrong choice during my last shopping trip and should have watched the sweaty droplets cascade down the back of the guy in front of me. Instead I found myself staring at pictures of anorexic/overweight celebrities on the beach in next to nothing and obviously staged photos of Mariah and hubby cavorting while on vacation in some tropical locale. Why is this news? Someone with obscene amounts of money goes on vacation and suddenly some editor’s yelling “STOP THE PRESSES! “. I give them the remainder of 2008 before they have a trial separation, he’ll file for divorce by the summer and then take half of everything she’s got. I just realized that, unlike the Jonas Brothers situation, I know far too much about this story and it frightens me.

Help.

#3. Lindsey Lohan
She had one song I liked. Something about taking her picture, dancing on rooftops, flying off in helicopters. That’s all I remember other than it sounded as though there was a lot of digital enhancement. She CAN sing – I saw her do it in Mean Girls which, surprisingly, I really enjoyed. It’s not her level of talent that makes me want to avoid music altogether but rather all the bad press. I feel sorry for her…to a point. It must be rough being followed around and hounded by photographers even when you’re just trying to buy a carton of milk. However, they wouldn’t be doing it if they weren’t hoping for a repeat of the crotch shot seen round the world (along with similar shots from Brit, Paris, et al.), pictures of Lindsey drunkenly hunched across the back seat of a friend’s car, or locking lips with her maybe/maybe not girlfriend. Clean up your act and they might leave you alone. And so, even though she might have had that one, slightly groovy song and have more talent than many of the others out there, I will not listen to her music. Sorry LiLo.

If only you’d kept your panties on.

#4 Tara Palmer-Tomkinson
For my UK readers…I hate her. Other than an appearance on an episode of Would I Lie to You, I wouldn’t have had a clue as to who she was. And the only reason I sat through the episode was because of David Mitchell (damn him for being smart and adorable). In thirty minutes (which seemed like 300), she came across as a dundering (oops, didn’t realize THAT’s what this word meant…ha!) idiot, high as a kite moron, airheaded princess-type who are famous simply because of Mommy and Daddy’s money (ooooh, the UK version of Paris perhaps?). I saw that she was going to be another episode of WILTY, I thought I’d Google her. I was not surprised to find out that she’s made the rounds on a number of reality TV shows. That explains a lot. But then Wikipedia tells me she’s an accomplished concert pianist. Bitch. She actually has talent. And not in the Britney Spears is talented kind of way. Crap on a cracker. This annoys me so badly I don’t even want to listen to CBC Radio 2.

3 comments:

mister anchovy said...

I agree that the music industry is all about catering to demographics and producing repeatable product designed for the best profit margin. That said though, I think there's tons of really great music around in all sorts of genres. I love a wide variety of music and I listen to a lot of it. What I don't do is plug in. I don't like attaching myself to ear buds or headphones at all.

Pokecheck said...

Last.fm and Pandora.com rule my world while I'm at work. Type in a band, song or genre you like and they feed you songs that may be similar/related. I've heard tons of new bands that I really like. And both sites are free.

Bridget Jones said...

We so have the same tastes in music!

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