Attitude Adjustment

Wednesday, September 22, 2010
I’m feeling really good lately. Pretty darned good. My confidence level has soared in the past couple of weeks. Why you ask? Well, it may seem trivial but hearing that I’d lost those few measly pounds when I visited the doctor and nutritionist, has done wonders for my self confidence. I look forward to getting on the treadmill/bike each day. I did weights on Sunday for the first time in a long time. There’s a distinct wiggle in my step as every sidewalk becomes my own personal catwalk. Sure, I don’t FEEL lighter or notice a difference in my face/body but my attitude has completely changed. That is a major step for me.

For as long as I can remember, even way back into my teen and pre-teen years, I had a terrible image of myself. I remember one time asking for a second helping of mashed ‘taters and my brother and father teasing me so badly that I sat at the dinner table crying. People told me I was fat, even when I wasn’t; I was ugly; basically, I was simply unattractive in every way. Over the years, I’ve come to accept that I’m no great beauty but I consider myself cute in an adorable puppy sort of way.

As I got older, I became increasingly uncomfortable with myself. I always felt awkward and out of place because of my size and weird, beachball-on-sticks shape, including our family’s inherited flatbutt and large head. No booty for this brainiac. I hid under baggy clothes and shied away from attention of any kind, especially from men. As a result, I didn’t have my first “real” date until I was in my mid-20s and after that, they were few and far between. I could probably count the number of dates I’ve had on my two hands and feet. And as for a sex life? It’s safe to say non-existant (and yes, I'm 37). Humor and booksmarts have always been my mainstay - they’ve allowed to be outgoing without attracting the kind of attention that so often resulted in negative comments about my appearance. I was the brilliant jokester, the smart clown, the funny, caring friend or, as one jackass told me “the girl guys want to marry”.

Now, although I’m still at my heaviest weight, I feel great about who I am, what I look like, and how “cute” I really am. Sure some of that comes with age and becoming more comfortable in my own skin. However, its amazing the effect the number 6 (lbs lost) had on me instantly. I told my dietician that even though I don’t see a difference in the actual size, I catch a glimpse of myself coming out of the shower and I’m no longer disgusted. I look at the way my curves…curve…and I think of it as sexy instead of sick. I feel saucy, sassy, superkalifragilistic. There’s still a long way to go until I get to the place I want to be but this is an amazing start.


sp said...

Great post! It's very uplifting.

tweetey30 said...

Karen this is great news.. Congrats and its great to see you comfortable in your own body. I have been where you are and I still am where you are in many ways. I try to ignore what others say but when its said enough its hard to ignore so you go girl and keep up what your doing..Just keep it up and you will be at your place in no time.. Love reading about your successes..

Barbara Bruederlin said...

This was so wonderful to read! Being comfortable with yourself is so important and you know that this satisfaction will only keep strengthening. That's one of the pluses of getting older! Well done, cutey!

Milla said...

Karen, I tried to leave a comment a couple of times but Blogger tells me that 'Service is not available'.

Lemme try one more time!

First of all, this is a wonderful post!!

Second: alas I cannot say the same about myself. My self confidence is ZERO. I don't know how Zorro has been able to put up with my insecurities over the past 13 years. I am insecure about everything that has to do with myself, not only how I look, but mostly how I look.
And talking about dating: you know when I was kissed by a boy on the lips the first time? At the age of 18!! I was 18 years old!! Imagine! All the girls I knew had already lost their virginity by then, and there I was, never had I even been kissed.

Captain Karen said...

Thanks guys!

Milla, I've changed the settings so hopefully now you can post without problem. I haven't had any spam for a couple of days so (fingers crossed), hopefully its stopped. Believe me, I'm far from "loving" completely who I am and what I currently look like but I think the past few months have made a big difference in my attitude.

S.M. Elliott said...

Self-esteem and body image issues are such a problem for teen girls! It was the thing I worried about most with Richard's daughter; from preteen years on I made sure she watched movies like Hairspray (the original) and Bend it Like Beckham, to drum it into her that size and femininity and prettiness simply don't matter. I hate to see happy, self-confident little girls grow into teens who hate their bodies and always find fault with themselves (like I did).

You should be extremely proud of losing that weight! The less you have to lose, the harder it is.

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