Bald should be Beautiful

Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Today has been a bad day. I woke up not feeling in the best mood; not angry or upset, just a bit on the blah side.  I followed the normal morning routine: make lunch, make/eat breakfast, relax while watching television.  Suddenly, I was overcome with an incredible sadness and frustration.  Sobbing uncontrollably, it hit me like a ton of bricks:  I can change the way I eat, I can change my weight, my attitude, my job, my clothes, almost everything.  The one thing about myself that I cannot change?  No matter what I do, I will never be able to regrow my hair.  It made all the rest of it seem somewhat pointless. No matter how athletic I become, I will always be bald.

Most days, I'm ok with the fact that I don't have hair (or, more accurately, a lot less than I used to).  Every once in a while, I feel a bit sad and sorry for myself but I get over it and life goes on.  Today, I had to leave work because I was on the verge of tears more than once during the morning.  Thankfully it was a slow morning and my boss was away so I could just send him a quick email saying I wasn't well and that I was going home.  I told my two closest work buddies (T&A) about how I was feeling without breaking down but as soon as they left, the tears welled up again.  Then, T was incredibly sweet and drew me one of her wonderful cartoon cats and left it on my desk.  I smiled but got teary eyed once more.

There are worse things that I could be experiencing.  I could lose a limb or my sight; I could have a horrible scar or birthmark that covers my face; I could have chronically bad breath or body odor (ok, not terrible but still bad!).  At least I have the option of wearing a wig. 

However, I'm constantly aware of the fact that its not real and whether or not I'm wearing it.  If its windy, I have to have a coat with a hood (regardless of how hot it is outside); I can't ride a motorbike - what do I do when I get to where I'm going and have to take my helmet off? I can't wear my wig while doing anything that requires any exertion on my part.  I sweat a lot as it is, wigs make it even worse.  And what happens if I get involved with someone? When do you tell them?  Sure, I'm adorable with my wig on but who wants to roll over and stare at the back of a big fat stubbly bald noggin?  They can't run their fingers through my wig - they'll get their hands stuck or will pull off my hair.  As soon as I get home, I take my wig off and free my head from the confines of elastic, velcro and faux hair.  It would take a special someone to put up with me normally; it would take a super duper special someone to accept the hairless moi. 

So many little things that most people don't think about but that I'm forced to confront over and over each and every day.  And days like today just make me cry.

Bald should be beautiful but sometimes its not.


Melissa said...

Karen I find bald beautiful!!! I shaved my head in sept and I know it's not the same but I know how u feel!!! For that time I was growing it back my boyfriend at the time broke up with me an never once stuck up for me to his friends about it! He just shrugged it of with them!!! U will find ur special someone who will love u no matter what!!!! I know u will!!! <3 <3 chin up kiddo ( hehe the guys at work all me that cause I'm the youngest and always wanted to say it to someone ) ur an amazing person

Ben Ditty said...

Melissa is right. You are amazing. Hair or not.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I dunno, any picture I have seen of you with head au naturale, you not only look awfully cute, but awesome fierce too.

I know it's not the same thing at all, but I have been bothered by thinning hair for the past 5 or 6 years, so that I can see my scalp clearly on the crown. And I'm forever checking for the bald spot that appears at the back of my head when my hair needs a cut and sometimes I think I should shave it off and be done with it. So I feel for you, sista. Hair should not be as important as it is!

mister anchovy said...

Geez, I think you look good sans wig.

Karen said...

Thanks everyone, I'm feeling a bit better now. Normally, I'm ok with my hair situation. Not sure why today for some reason was so different.

Melissa: Thanks sis! I remember you shaving your head and then shortly after being dumped. What an ass. Its not that I'm necessarily looking for someone special but its one of those things that I think about when I'm feeling low about my situation. Love ya!

Annet said...

I'm still pretty new to your blog and so don't know the backstory about why you are bald. However, I think in all things beauty is what you make of it, right? so if you are confident and such in your own skin, people won't worry about a feature that you might worry about. Whereas if you spend all your time stressing about it (which I gather you don't), people will also naturally focus on it, because you do.
I had a friend with a big nose, there was no mistaking it was a big nose. If she left it alone, you would've thought about it once and then forgotten about it. But she was always commenting on it, worrying about it, discussing surgery, etc, you couldn't help but also focus on it along with her.

Heather said...

It must be a difficult thing to live with - not just the restrictions it places on you, but the extra work that has to go into things like maintaining the wig and whatnot. I can understand not wanting to go out without it, too - I remember that winter when I had to walk with a cane, and I hated the looks people gave me...sympathetic but morbidly curious.

It's a tough thing for you to live with. I'm sorry that you have to.

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